Know What I Feel Like?

But the waves are calling out my name
and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
time and time again
"Boy, you'll never win,
You you'll never win

But the Voice of truth tells me a different story
the Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
And the Voice of truth says "this is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth.

~The Voice of Truth – Casting Crowns (2004)

You know, the intro at the top of this page tells the general what and why I do this. How we can so easily forget what we know the truth to actually be sometimes. I use the term we because, frankly, I am most definitely in that category. Take recent events, for example.

I am not going to go into all the particulars, but I will say that, over the last bit of time in my life, I had forgotten who I actually was. You see, I had a run of events in my life that were, how shall we say, less than pleasant mixed in with some which “should” have been quite pleasant. But I got distracted and I choose to identify myself with circumstance and feeling rather than with anything I knew to be true. To say it was disabling is an understatement of gigantic proportion.

What type of circumstance or feeling you may ask? Allow me to fire a couple out there for you (although hardly complete). Now the following may or may not be my exact circumstances, but I can say that if they were not those recent ones, they have existed for yours truly.

Something ends - specifically, something like a job or an intimate relationship. Or perhaps we say “yes” to the wrong impulse and stumble into the muck and mire of a less than pleasant place, perhaps from out of our very own past. How often in those moments do we identify ourselves with that “ending”? How many of us have felt as though we had been rightfully rejected? That we were worth very little, if anything at all, to ourselves or anyone else? That we were a failure. That we were alone, not only in our circumstance or situation, but in life in general. That we were of no use to anyone, including God. That we were no different than we had ever been in our past lives. That we would never be anything other than just another screw up. That there is no possible way that God could ever really want us or use us for anything other than perhaps to show others “what not to do”. That we were certainly doomed to a life and eternity of judgement and condemnation. And lastly, that God (or anyone else – selves included) could never, ever truly love us where we are right now.

Any of those sound familiar to you? If they don’t, I dare say many must be at least a tiny bit envious of you – whether right or wrong. But if they do have a ring of familiarity, trust me on this on, you are not alone by a long shot. Not even close.

You see, while it is easy enough to start to identify ones-self with how we feel or based upon what we are going through in the moment, there is a slight problem with that – temporary. Our feelings change from one moment to the next, as do our circumstances in this life. Even those which are far less than pleasant, do fade into the past eventually – although in the moment we may feel like our life is all but completely over or see no reason we should even think about going on.

Consider if we were to do that all the time, with all feelings that we have and not just those which come in our darkest moments (which is when we tend to do just that). How interesting it would be to sit and watch cable TV for a full day and evening. Sometimes deep in reflective thought, sometimes laughing like a fool and other times sobbing all but uncontrollably. If you were to try and identify yourself with those “feelings” brought on by what you were viewing and hearing, you would be a wreck – not a clue in the world who or even, what, you actually were. Honestly, does not make much sense any other time either.

Okay then, who, you may ask, am I (feel free to drop your own name in there in place of the “I”)? Here is a quick, partial answer (again, by no means complete) for you:

I am the light of the world (Matthew 5:14)

I am a child of God (John 1:12)

I am a friend of Jesus and He is my friend (John 15:15)

I am united with the Lord and am one in Spirit with Him (1 Cor.6:17)

I am righteous and holy (Eph. 4:24)

I am chosen by God, holy and dearly loved by Him (Col.3:12)

I do not belong to the night or the darkness, but I am a child of the light (1 Thess.5:5)

I have been justified and have peace with God (Romans 5:1)

I am forever free from condemnation (Romans 8:1)

Now here is something for you to “really” stop and think about:

None of those are true because I say they are true. None of those are true because of how you, or I, feel. None of those are true because of where we currently find ourselves in this life of ours.

They are TRUE BECAUSE GOD SAYS THEY ARE TRUE ABOUT YOU!

These are not things which you or I have to aspire to. These are things that the Lord God says currently about you and I.

So do not get caught off guard and start to identify yourself with how you feel or what is going on or what has recently gone on or what you think someone else may feel about you. Those things change all but constantly. Listen and believe the voice of TRUTH and tell all those other voices to just "shut up".

One Year Later

How about a quickie Q & A towards the believers, to get things rolling?

Do you know why you are called a "Christian"?

Do you know why those in the early church - apostles included - came to identify themselves as "Christians"?

I do not mean how the word came into being, I mean do you know why we are called by that name?

Quick answer time: because...drum roll please... we follow CHRIST! Shocking, eh?

Well, it might be for some actually.

Father, Son, Spirit. All three different, yet the same. No matter how you try and describe or think or picture them together as One, something always seems lacking somewhat. I suspect it is a slight limitation of our own minds to be honest - although really, who wants to follow a God you can figure out easily with your own brain power - takes away from some of the reverent awe.

Now I have known people who focus primarily on the Spirit. Not such a bad thing to pay attention to Him since He does tend to get less attention than He truly deserves by times. After all, it is He and His presence and power that makes life even possible for us not to mention ministry, etc. Unfortunately, some focus a tad too much on Him and really, for a lot of wrong reasons. What wrong reasons could there be? Well, how about only looking to and for Him to get what you want out of Him? "Make me giggle, make me cry, make me quiver, make me feel warm and fuzzy, etc". Now do not take me to be saying anything against the experience of the manifest presence of God Almighty. But it is those who come and seek Him as more of a parlor magician at a kids party (pull a rabbit out of your hat, make a balloon animal, pull scarves out of your nose, etc) than the Spirit of God Himself, whom I personally think may have some off motives. And really, somehow I cannot picture Him being pleased with being looked at in that way - He is God after all.

Others focus primarily on God the Father. Again, nothing wrong with focusing on Him. He is God after all. He is the Beginning and the End, the Alpha and the Omega, the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Eternal, Invisible, Creator, Awesome. He is God. 'Nuff said. We are told that we are not to worry as God will provide for us (isn't that a hard one by times?). That He takes care of us. That He knew us even before we were born (that's pretty cool if you think about it). He is very much Father. Which is why we also get discipline from Him as well. After all, sometimes children need correction to keep them from going in a direction that may cause them immediate, or latter, pain and problems. We are by far, no different. Perhaps, identifying God the Father as "merely" being in a provider/parent role is over simplifying His position and role, but it does get the point across for the time being. Again, not saying not to focus on Him either anymore than we are to ignore the Spirit.

Now here is where things get interesting. I have found that sometimes, some of us, in our quest for knowledge and understanding (among other things) seem to forget a few, somewhat important, tidbits. Such as, you may wonder. How about:

The CROSS.

It was Jesus who took the cross. Jesus who bled. Jesus who died to pay the price for OUR sins - not His, ours. Jesus who rose and kicked the tar out of death in the process. It is Jesus who bought us - totally - at a high price - His own blood.

It is Jesus to whom we belong. Jesus to whom we owe our allegiance. It is Jesus whom we follow. Just as the apostles followed Him. We are His disciples. We are not called disciples of the Spirit. Nor of the Father. In Jesus' own words, to see Him is to see the Father. He and the Father are One.

The early church knew the person of the Holy Spirit far better than I suspect most of us do. They did not follow Him. They relied on Him for guidance, counsel and power to do whatever it was that needed done in the moment - whether that just surviving life or raising the dead. The Spirit testifies about the person of Christ Jesus - he points to Him - He bring us closer to knowing Him from the inside out.

The Old Testament talked about Him constantly - pointed to Him (ever read the OT just to see "how" many places Jesus is referenced to - is pretty cool to say the least).

Jesus is our Savior, our Shepherd, our Master and our King.

In the end, it is very much all about Jesus.

And if you lose sight of who He is, and who He is to be to you, you are in deep doo doo.

Remember The Father. Do not ignore The Spirit. And, no matter what, do not forget about The Son.

So one year after the Panicking Christian left hard copy and went online, I had thought that perhaps this timely post would be something reflective. Or perhaps with all the changes in my life, it would be more relevant to change and holding on. Apparently though, it seems that a quick back to the basics has been the order of the day instead. Go figure, what He wants me to write and what I thought I wanted to write turned out to be different things (bit of sarcasm there - it happens ALOT).

Thank you for reading and being a part of this with me. As always, to God goes the glory. Forever and ever, Amen.

And you are who...?

So a slightly different variety of post today, although not quite sure that I have a normal variety to begin with.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."~2 Cor.12:9

Weakness. We tend to have so much trouble admitting that we have any - even with ourselves.

Allow me to introduce myself...

My given name is Troy...and I do have weaknesses.

I have not always been a Christian, since no one is born saved. Even if you are brought up a in a Christian home, you still need to make that choice on your own - you cannot inherit salvation.

Since I have not always been saved, and the fact that I was well into my life on this globe when I did get saved, I have lived a life before knowing Christ. So I share a few tidbits about that life from before.

I know what it feels like to be addicted. To have a substance control me rather than me controlling it. To feel helpless against it even if I tried to fight it with all I had. To lose that battle again and again.

I know what it is to be in trouble for trying to be something I am not. To suffer the consequences, whatever those may be, for my actions as I attempted to fit in where, really, I never belonged.

I know what it feels like to be cruel. To use and hurt people for my own benefit, whether that was done intentionally or not doesn't matter - although it has been done both ways.

I know what it is like to not believe there is a God - at least the God of the bible that is. I know what it is like to actively worship other gods, things, and yes, even the enemy. I know what it is like to try and argue a believer OUT of their faith.

I know and have known fear, doubt, selfish ambitions, pride, jealousy, envy and pretty much anything else you can think of to add to that list.

I know these things because I have lived them - because I have been to those places - have dwelt within the darkness of the void and saw no way out.

I would so love at this point to tell you how that was then and this is now. But I will not lie in here, as I have said before.

While indeed, much is gone, much of the old remains. I do still have fears. There are times in which I do not trust God anywhere near as much as I should. There are times in which I sit in judgement of another, even though I have learned, that many times what I see in another is recognized easily because it is with me as well. There are times in which my own ambitions and plans for whatever are focussed upon primarily when it should be God's which are.

I am so very, very far from perfect.

I still make far more mistakes than I would like to.

Yes, I - Troy - have weaknesses. Oodles upon oodles actually.

That said, if there is any truth in the pages of this blog; if there is any knowledge or wisdom of any kind that you may find written within these pages - rest assured, it does not come from me. All that I have, all the knowledge I have ever learned or whatever false wisdom this life has led me to believe I ever had...is worthless. Any that may come onto these pages or from my lips is from God and for His glory alone - so praise God (never me).

I may not know all (most) of the answers, but I do know where to find them - that is, who has them.

There is so much more I would love to share with you. But I will leave you with this final tidbit: if you find yourself in the void; if you do not know where to go or how to find the way out; if you seek answers or guidance or direction - I know where to go for I have been there.

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." ~ Matthew 7:7

Turn to God. Turn to the One whom He sent - Jesus. Ask. Seek. Find.

What do you have to lose? Nothing you want to keep. What do you have to gain? Everything.

To God Almighty and Christ Jesus go all the praise and glory.

Amen. Amen.

Don't forget your change

Your change sir?

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."~James 1:17

I once heard it said that the biggest obstacle to what God is doing today, are those who were on fire for what He was doing yesterday. I dare say that there is, indeed, a measure of wisdom in that statement.

God does NOT change. He will always be there for us - never leaving us all alone in this world. He will always love us, no matter what we do - whether we perceive it as good or bad.

“Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”~Hebrews 13:5

And again:

"...no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father’s hand."~John 10:28,29

God is God. He is not double-minded or fickle like we human beings tend to be far to often.

He is the same holy, righteous, loving God He has always been and always will be.

But that is God Himself. What He is doing on the other hand - His plan for all of creation of which we are a part of - that is in constant forward motion.

Take you own life for example: have you changed since the day you came to actually know Jesus as Lord and Savior? Even if it happened yesterday that answer will be yes I am willing to wager.

In my own life, there have been many changes over time. Changes within myself that I did not even realize that God had made. Changes to how I think and feel, act and react. There have been changes in what areas He has chosen to use me in. Some of those have taken me completely off guard, I may add. Sounds all good so far, right? But sometimes, while change does feel and look good, sometimes it is hardly a pleasant experience in the midst of it. And let's be honest with ourselves for a moment or two, we tend not to be the fondest of change - we do tend to be "creatures of habit", as it were.

For my own life, there have been some pretty big changes since this time last year. People whom I was quite close to are no longer near as close to me in my life. Where I was physically has changed. Ministry and service that I was involved in has changed. The future I thought I could see is now a far different view.

I would just love to tell you that all of those changes went smoothly and easily, but I do not tend to lie on here so not about to start now. Some were hard. Some painful. Some terrifying. Hardly easy. I do know that most were things that God had showed me were to change, but I was stubborn - comfortable where I was at. He did tell me and give me numerous chances to move on my own - although honestly, He knew I was not about to the same as I knew it. So He pushed the issue and events unfolded as they had to in order for Him to get me where He needed me to be. There have been changes made. Some pretty big ones but in looking back at where I was to where I am now, I am thankful that He cared enough about me to give me the solid kick I needed.

Does this all mean that the next time I feel led to change that I am going to jump at the chance? Maybe, maybe not. It would be nice to think I would but I know myself well enough to know I am stubborn by times (remember, may be saved but am still human). But I do know that change happens. It has to happen. But there is good news:

".. we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him.."~Romans 8:28

Do not be afraid of change. It is going to happen. It will happen in your own life, in your walk with God, in your "church", in you as a person - well, everywhere really.

"If God is for us, who can be against us?"~Romans 8:31

Thankfully - even if not until hindsight - changes happen, and even more thankfully, God does not change.

So if you find yourself in the midst of change or seeing it as it approaches on the horizon, take heart. Do not be afraid. Trust God. He is with you and He will see you through to the other side, safe and sound.

Moose Meese?

One goose, two geese
One Moose, two meese?
No - two moose


One mouse, two mice
One house, two hice?
Two houses


Sometimes the english language just does not seem to make a ton of sense. Like I remember learning to read and thinking that knife must have been something other than, well, a knife since obviously what I knew to be a knife must start with an N not a silent K. I have little doubt that you can come up with oodles of your own beyond that or the two at the top of the page.

Although, seeing as one of the gifts that God has seen fit to give me is with regards to the written word, those words can become quite important - in particular, their meanings.

More than once He has led me to explore the meaning of a particular word. As a rule, this has been a word that I have used many times but maybe just never fully, really understood. I do have to admit that I have found these little explorations helpful. That said, am going to share a couple with you. Perhaps you may find them helpful as well.

We, as believers, tend to use a number of words with regards to our faith. I have heard the phrase "talking Christianese" more than once, and really, it fits. But do we "really" know what we are saying when we use them. Just because we can use them in the proper context does not mean we actually know what they mean or can explain them without using the word itself. Personally, I find examples or analogies to be helpful in understanding things (which, if you have been following this for any length of time, should come as no surprise to you). So without further delay...

Grace and Mercy.

You can have grace without mercy but you cannot have mercy without grace. Grace is a necessary part of mercy. I know many use those terms almost synonymous with each but they are different.

I am walking through the park and I have a bag of yummy, home made chocolate chip cookies with me. I see you sitting at a bench, minding your own business. I walk over and give you a cookie.

That is grace. You did nothing to earn it. I gave it to you "just because" I could do so. "Just because" is not a bad way to think of grace really. God offers us salvation "just because" He can do so - nothing to do with anything we do - grace not works, right.

Same scenario as above - basically. Difference being, I have seen you throughout the week/day and you have done everything you could think of to tick me off or get under my skin. You hardly deserve a cookie. More like you deserve to watch me eat the whole bag alone or share with your friends and not you. Instead, though, I give you a cookie.

Mercy - contains grace but takes it a step further again. Not only did you not earn it but you actually deserve something else - something not so pleasant as a rule.

God's mercies are new for us each day. We hardly deserve the good we get, but we do still get it "just because" He can give it to us.

I know that may seem overly simple but really, sometimes we make things more complicated than they need to be.

Now three more:

Love, Hate and Forgive.


Simplest way to define love is with the word "selflessness" - thinking of what another wants/needs above and beyond what you want or need - basically forgetting the word "I" in your vocabulary. I know I have heard it referred to as an emotion, but that is not completely correct.

It is 2am. You need to get up for work at 6am. Your new born child in the other room has just woken up, screaming at the top of their lungs. You NEED your sleep. Do you roll over, cover your head with a pillow, turn of the baby monitor and ignore them? Probably not. You get up, pick them up, try everything you can think of before you end up just holding them and walking around until 3:30am when they finally fall back to sleep.

That is love. You may need and want your sleep, but you put what your child needs over your own. Jesus was the sanest person, by far, who ever walked this earth. You think He wanted to get betrayed, mocked, tortured then executed in the most painful way possible in His day? Not bloody likely. But we NEEDED Him to pay that price for us, since we could not do so ourselves. Our NEED came first. Love.

What of the emotional thought though? Something to consider: you cannot have two different emotions at the same, exact time. Sure you can switch back and forth pretty quickly, but you cannot feel happy and angry and the exact same time.

Little Timmy has been a total pain today. From the time he awoke he has been trying to find new ways to drive you out of your mind - and he has been pretty successful. He shaved an inverse mohawk into his sisters head. Painted the cat with nail polish before letting them run wild all over the new living room set. Pretty much everything imaginable and it is only 11am. You lose it. You lose your temper (not viciously or anything of the like) and yell at him to go to his room. You are angry with him at the moment. If love is an emotion, and you cannot have two at once, then does that mean when you got angry with Timmy that you no longer loved him at that time? Nonsense. Of course you still love him. the fact that you love him is part of the reason you got angry - part of why you sent him to his room - he needs to to settle down.


God has gotten angry a time or two with us. He was angry with Israel in the OT more than once. Jesus was angry when He cleared out the temple courts when people had set up, basically, a mini-mall there. If love were merely an emotion, then at those times God did not love us - which is not possible considering who He is.

Hate. By definition, hate is to be actively opposed to someone or something.

In the tv show "The Simpsons", there is one episode in which Homers' next door neighbor Ned opens up "The Leftorium" - a shop that carries left handed versions of common right handed items. Good idea. Ned puts everything he has into the store, but things are not going well. No one comes in to buy anything. Even the local "hooligans" do not bother shop lifting there. Ned is losing everything - quickly. As the show goes on, we see Homer going through his day. He sits in his boss' office and listens to him complain about having to try and use a right handed can opener. he starts to speak, then decides to not do so. At the local bar, the bartender complains about a right handed corkscrew. Again, Homer says nothing. Homer is actively working against Ned by not saying anything - by not helping him with his need. By the end, however, Homer does give in and tell everyone he knows about Ned's store and Ned's home and life are saved.


Before the end of the show when he turns it around, Homer is "hating" Ned. Sure there may be some emotions involved, but hate by itself is not an emotion.

Forgive. Big word for us who believe, isn't it? After all, we are forgiven. We are also told to forgive others - not just people we like either.

I would say that, for the most part, we know that to forgive is to not hold whatever against whomever. But what does that look like really? It is easy to say, but doing and saying tend to be somewhat different. Let's go back to kids for this one (I love kids).

If you are a parent and have at least one child over the age of say 8, then there is a good chance that at some point your child has been mad at you and/or taken a temper tantrum. While it is hardly a regular thing, sometimes when your little bundle of joy is seriously ticked - usually because they have heard the word "no" when they did not want to - they will look you straight in the eye and say those three, unpleasant, little words: "I hate you".

If you are a parent and you have heard those three words at some point, you know how your heart feels in that moment. It is devastating. Even if they do not really know what it is that they are saying - they do not understand the meaning fully - it still hurts big time.

So in your moment of pain, what is your reaction? Not only immediately but afterward. Later on do you tell your child that they cannot have desert because they hate you? No hug or kiss for you - you hate me remember? I don't want you to sit on my knee - you hate me. Not likely. While it does in fact hurt that they said it, you do not act any differently towards them after the fact. even though you do remember their actions and words and the feelings within, you still act and react to them with love - never working against them in spite of hurt feelings.

That would be a picture of forgiveness.

Perhaps you are thinking "but it is different when it is something bigger and more adult than that". Not true. We, again, are the ones whom make things bigger. God does not tell us to forgive only the little things, but everything. He does not say to forgive only when we feel better or we no longer feel or recall the pain - He just says forgive. Not only forgive those whom we like but everyone. In spite of how WE feel, we are to forgive. After all, what is it if we can only forgive people we like for little things - cannot pretty much anyone do that already?

Have you noticed that the last three words have a common thread? It is what they are, as opposed to what they are not. If one had to label them, the best label would be "choice". Not an emotional state, although all three can be influenced and bring out emotions for certain. We choose to love - we choose to hate - we choose to forgive.

Perhaps these definitions and examples are bit simplistic (I could probably have rambled on about word origins and whatnot pretty easily - like charis for example), but as I have said before, sometimes simple is easier than complex (makes sense really).

I leave you with one final word: forsake.

"...the Lord, your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you"~Deut.31:6
(Among other places as well)

Leave we understand, but do you know forsake? Allow me a quick translation:

the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you, He will never give you up

He will never leave you
He will never Give.You.Up

Lot of comfort in that thought, isn't there?

PS: if you are not saved and you are reading through this, take note of grace: no matter how much bad you feel you have done in your lifetime, salvation is still freely (by grace) offered from God. No one who has done a lot of "good" can ean their way into heaven or into good standing with God. It is freely offered - just because He can.

Forgive the length please - may God grant you great mercy, by His grace alone.

Work Ethic

Have you ever worked on a farm, especially during the harvesting season? How about gone to one of those "U-pick" operations where you get to pick your own strawberries, apples, or whatever produce they happen to be growing? If you have, then you know that it is hard work.

Take the farm worker for example. Now we are talking "by hand" harvesting not mechanical, although no doubt that is a bit tiring as well.

When harvesting a crop by hand, the worker starts early in the day - sunrise (or even a bit before) and works the whole day through. The crops do not leap off the vine or dig themselves out of the ground. The worker spends no small time on their knees in the dirt. Banging their knees off of rocks here and there. Digging into the earth for root crops (potatoes, for instance) and carefully pulling off of vines others (tomatoes for example). It is hard, tiring, dirty work. By the end of the day, you "know" you have worked a full day. If the sun is shining you are hot, sweaty and dirty. If it is damp, then you are wet and muddy as well. Makes one see why mechanical means were invented, does it not.

But at the end of that long day, you get to look at the fruits of your labor. You see all the crop you have harvested and it makes it all worth it.

It has not been too many years since that was the normal routine. Mechanical harvesting is hardly ancient, although harvesting crops goes far, far back into our history.

Luke 10:2~ "The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few."

I find it odd that some people, and churches, seem to think that if they wait around long enough, people will just throw themselves at their feet, begging to be led towards the path of salvation. How some whole churches seem to think that hoards of unsaved people are going to storm their doors like some kind of desperate stampede. Granted, like any other believer, I would like to see that happen. A full on sovereign move of the Almighty God in a true revival that makes the initial day of Pentecost pale in comparison. But whether or not that ever comes to pass in our viewing or not, only God knows that answer.

The "harvest"...but the "workers"...

Keeping in mind that harvest is work, having workers makes sense. I am sure that the worker in the field would love to have the crops just leap into their baskets, but that is not likely to happen anytime soon. So they WORK.

So must we. We are not told to sit around and wait. The occasional person who wanders into a church seeking or comes with someone else is rare compared to the hundreds and thousands who wander right on past.

But are they really seeking?

Consider the number of religions that others turn to. Pretty much anything you can dream of really and there always seems to be something new popping up to help ease a persons conscience and fill that ache within. Then are those who, unable to find anything REAL to believe in, just give up altogether and settle in the stance of "life ends and we're eaten by works - it is all for nothing". NOTHING! How horrible a thought, how bleak a future.

I dare say, YES, those who wander past are seeking - they just may not realize what - or I should say, WHO - they are seeking for.

"The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few"

Do not oversleep. Do not miss the work day. Wake up! Soon the sun will set and you will have missed it all. And there is far more than just your need for sleep at stake here - far more.

The cup

So as I re-read the pages of this page, I notice that something is not here that I previously thought had been - "the cup". Now some who know me may know what I mean, but others, well, guess will have to explain a bit.

Some time ago, I used to make a point of going to a local park in the early morning when there were few, to no, people around. It was always a nice time of just "hanging" with God as I walked, talked and listened. Many a time He has shown me things in our time together there.

One day as I walked along a trail, I saw - just on the other side of the railing - a cup on the ground, just slightly over the bank. It was a disposable one from a local coffee shop . It looked very out of place there in that place. So I reached through the railing and picked it up. There was no garbage nearby, so I carried it a little ways and dropped it in when I came to one. Then God spoke to me.

The scene that played out was this:

Some walking along, never noticing the cup. Some noticing but pretending not to. Others seeing and complaining about how people should not toss things around like that - as they walk by. Still others complaining that "someone" should do something about that - as they walk by. Others walking and complaining about this or that - again, as they walk past it laying there. Lastly, the one who sees it, reaches slightly out of their way without a complaint, picks it up and puts it where it should go.

He was not talking about litter in a park.

He was talking about NEED.

James 2: 15,16 "Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to them "Go in peace; keep warm and well fed," but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it?"

How often do we see a need and just walk on past as if we see nothing. How often do we see need and complain that someone should do something, or that people should know better, or the government should step in or the church or....

Want to know something? God allows you to see a need because He wants YOU to do something about it. Not wander around complaining like so many others do - exactly what good does that do for those in need?

But you may say "I have nothing to offer, nothing major to contribute to the needs of the poor".

First, not all the needy are those living in boxes or dumpsters or in disaster zones. The woman trying to juggle 3 small children as she tries to load groceries into her car considers herself pretty needy. The well off (financially) man whose wife of twenty years just left him for his best friend is very much "in need". Not all need is with regards to material things, although there is much of that around. Sometimes the need is merely to have someone - anyone sometimes - willing to listen and not pass judgement (like Job's friends for instance - "you know what your problem is" mentality).

Maybe the need you see is a material one. I tell you the truth, the $5 you have in your pocket may mean far more to the homeless man with the cup of small change that it will to the business you are buying your coffee from. Oh, I know what you are thinking - "he is just going to take it and spend it on 'whatever' rather than food". What is that to you, exactly? Do they question where you spend your money at? Does God ask you to pass judgment on those in need or just respond? Fairly certain you know the answer to that one.

Isaiah 58:7,8 "Is it not to share your food with the hungry and provide the poor wander with shelter - when you see the naked, to clothe them, and not turn away from your own flesh and blood? Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard."

Does not say to give shelter or clothing to those whom have common beliefs as you, does it? Or those that are living in ways you personally approve of? The lives of the needy - just as yours - belong to God alone and He alone may judge.

Matthew 5:45 "He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and unrighteous"

God's job, not yours (ours).

But maybe you do not have any material means of your own. Perhaps however, you know where to find such means and can put the right people together. Perhaps, you say, you can "only" pray.

ONLY pray? How odd a statement is that? For those who are saved, when you (we) pray, we are taking "whatever" directly to the foot of the very throne of the Lord of all creation, who not only listens to us, but responds. Hardly counts as an "only" thing. So regardless of your response, definitely pray.

I could easily go on and on on this topic, but I think you get the general idea.

If you see a need - regardless of what it is or whom has it - then perhaps it is because God wants you to do something about it. After all, many do not see things right in front of them far too often - you may be the ONLY one who can see that need.

May the grace of our Lord God keep you well.

So who's controlling whom?

He never lets go.

He promised never to let go.

That's why we have too - it's why we can.

John 3:30~"He must become greater; I must become less."

So often, when we do acknowledge the Spirit in our lives, it is more for guidance of OUR decisions and actions than anything else. But we are not our own anymore, are we? No we are not no more than we are ALONE. Never are we alone. Never will the Spirit leave us. Never will God let go. But we hang on, don't we. We acknowledge Him when we want something - even if that something is Him, it is still OUR want.

How far has your own spirit taken you? How grand and glorious a life has it led you into? How much pain and misery has come from following yourself may be a better question.

Let us be honest. We are SCARED to let go. The thought of completely letting go of that which we identify as being that which makes us us, terrifies us to our core. But why? Really why? We who have been chosen by God to be heirs - His heirs - are not alone in these frail, temporary frames. That part of us that makes us us is not the only spirit within us any longer. No! God Himself is within us. He does not desire us to merely come for advice or direction like some kind of internal GPS as we drive through this lifetime hoping to get lucky. No. He desires complete control and that cannot happen if we hold onto our own spirit - our own self. Two spirits cannot guide and control us, only one can. Only One can.

We have to let go. Die to self completely.

But is a scary thought though. We tend to want to avoid losing control. But the truth is, if we are the ones guiding ourselves, we ARE out of control. If not for God's intervention on our behalf, we would make a terrible mess of things constantly. Taking that into consideration, we must relinquish control of this frame and life - knowing that He is not only with us but PROMISES to never let go of us.

"He must become greater; I must become less."

Let go. Really let go. Let the love and mercy of our Lord conquer the fear that attempts to hold us back. Let go and let the world see Him, not us.

Welcome...

I would like to take this opportunity to welcome you to the race.


We read in the bible that our walk with Christ is likened to a running a race (Philippians 3) - that we are striving towards the goal.

This is NOT the race I am referring to however.

I would like to welcome you all to the "human race".

Now before you start to think I have finally snapped, allow me a few moments of your time.

So many think or feel that, because they are saved by the grace of Almighty God, that there are things they should not think or feel or whatever - that somehow, they are in no part, human any longer. So I would like to show you a few people in scripture that you may have a few things in common with.

The apostle Peter. Not only did he deny even knowing Jesus, not once but three times in a row, but he also played the role of the hypocrite (see Galatians 2). Why did he deny knowing our Lord? Fear perhaps. Pain of loss. Confusion. Probably a few other things as well.

James and John. These two, after being shunned by a Samarian village take a (for lack of a better term) temper tantrum and decide they should call down "fire from heaven" to incinerate them (Luke 9). Pretty serious tantrum if you ask me. Luckily for that village, our Lord was there to stop them from doing anything "stupid".

Paul. Who can forget the verse from Romans 7 "For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do - this I keep on doing". It would make no sense for him to write that if he were doing all he thought he should be doing or not doing those things which he did not feel he should do. The "struggle" we face constantly here in this world was quite alive and well for Paul.


How about in the OT? Anyone in there of note?


How about all of Israel who, on a regular basis, turned away from who they KNEW was the one true God for all kinds of reasons - none of which in hindsight were good ones (not that there could there ever be a good reason).

The prophet Elijah who, feeling afraid and completely unworthy, prayed for God to take his life from him. Ever hit that point yourself? I will admit I have more than I care to think about.

Then we have David. The man whose heart God loved so much. Consider, if you will, this that he wrote in Psalms 13, verses 2 and 3 "How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day, have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death". On a side note, he lived after writing this. But he hardly seemed to "have it altogether" now did he?

The long and short of it is, that we are indeed saved and we are a new creation, but the old is still here as well. We are, in fact, still human. As such, we feel pain, sorrow, anger, fear, failure, defeated, etc, etc etc. We are no less saved or set aside by God for the way we feel or the fact that we do not always react the way we think we should. Sin is still there after all, even if the penalty for it is not held against us. Something I heard once: "It is not committing sin that makes us a sinner, it is the fact that we are sinners that we commit sin". Handy info to remember sometimes.

Perhaps you feel this does not apply to you at. Perhaps you are one of those who feel that you are totally free from sin. Not free from the price of it, but actually sinless. You find yourself looking at others and thinking or saying things like "Ugh. Look at what a they are doing. I am so glad I am not like those people" or something similar. Well, do not fear for you too are mentioned in the pages of scripture.

Specifically, in the teachers, leaders and pharisees who led my Lord and Savior before Pilate so long ago to be tortured and killed in a most horrific manner - crucifixion.

Cannot speak for you, but personally, I would rather be in the first grouping - human.

Son Shine

First off, I am (obviously) still alive on this end. Although perhaps I should add a barely to that statement. I try to not only share things I have learned in here, but also to share my life and its' struggles and victories as well. This is one of those times.

In the movie "The Perfect Storm", a number of storms converge at a single time and place with devastating effects. Recently, Japan saw a number of major events unfold in a very short amount of time, again, with devastating effects. Three weeks ago, a number of "storms" converged at a single point in time and place - or I should say person - me.

Since all events do not only involve myself, I will not go into any major details. I will say however, that any single one would be hard to deal with. But all of them together, well let's just say that things have not been pleasant. To be honest, I almost feel like Job in the bible. So much going wrong in a very short frame of time. I also feel like much around me has been saying to me "Curse God and die!", much like Job's wife did to him. But I can't. I just can't.

Through all of this, I know that my God has been with me. Among other things is the almost complete lack of any feeling of despair. Actually, for most of the time, there has been no feelings of that like at all. I do say most though due to more recent events.

A bit of old history to share:

Once upon a time, I got married and it did not last very long at all. As it ended, I went into full self destruction mode. For those unfamiliar with the term, it means I did not want to live any longer. Before anything bad happened, I found myself admitted into the local hospital for a very short time, but it was enough to clear my head a little bit. A short time later however, that changed.

We were living seperately. I found myself overwhelmed by feelings so dark and empty that I do not know the words to describe them. Now I want to note something here. While I was saved at this point in time, I knew about God. I knew about power and authority, but I did not actually "know" Him.

I was staying with a friend, but they were gone for the night. I turned on some music. Very specific music though. The songs were all about dark feelings and, for me anyways, conveyed a very dark message. I went into a room and closed the door behind me and stared at the razor blade on the table. And I lost it. I was so hurt, so mad and felt like my life was over. I sobbed and cried and screamed to, and at, God. I told Him I could not do it. I begged Him to forgive me for giving up. And I drew the razor down my wrist.

Somewhat obviously, I did not die. The reason is somewhat interesting however. See, as I shook and sobbed, I watched myself bleed. Then I watched that cut close. Not clot up. Close. No mark kind of closed, even though there was blood. If you thought I was crying before, I went to a whole new level after that.

Now for the why of the history lesson:

After three weeks of trials, I lost it. Not proud of that fact, but I did.

Again, staying with friends. I went into the room and closed the door. I cued up those very same songs I had cued up those years ago. My intentions were not good. But there is a difference, you see. While I knew "about" God before, I now "know" Him. So as I sit and listen to those darkly themed messages, the tears come. I am so hurt. So mad. Just so everything I do not want to be. I feel devastated and physically alone. And I try to be mad at those involved. To be mad at those who stick their noses in. Even to be mad at me.

Then the truth of the matter comes out. It is God I am mad at. I do not understand why these things have all come at once. Or why any of them should have come at all. I am in pain and a lot of it. But I still cannot "curse God and die". Even in all of this, I still do love Him. I love Him with all of my heart, mind and soul and I am absolutely furious at Him. So now we find another new level of crying as I lay face down on the floor, shaking and sobbing...and praising God. Seriously.

I change my dismal tunes and cue up a song called "Revelation Song" and I praise Him with all that I have to offer - tears and all. I know He is in control. I know that He has not allowed these things in my life to destroy me - that there is a purpose and it is a good one. But, like Job, I do not understand the "why". But I also know that even if He told me, I still would probably not understand the "why" - at least not from where I am right now. Perhaps I may in hindsight be able to look back and see at least a glimmer of the why. Perhaps not.

So as I sit here writing this out the day after my little break down, the storms are still raging strong and I still cannot see an end in sight. But there are no feelings of despair. I am not alone in this. Not by a long shot. While I may not like the storm, I do know that there is a reason for it. And there is something else I know as well. All storms eventually come to an end and the Son shines bright through the clouds.

Yours in Christ alone,

Troy

Ears to Hear

“Whoever has ears to hear, let them hear.” ~ Jesus Christ

Ever own a dog? Specifically, a puppy?

If you have, you know that they require training. You will also know that the big thing with training them is that they listen to you. Hard to train a puppy that will not listen to the sound of your voice.

The first obvious thing is that they listen to "you" as opposed to every other voice and noise around them. That comes with spending time with them. You spend time together and eventually, they know your voice and can pick it out pretty quickly.

Now that they know who they are supposed to be listening to, now comes the training portion.

Training is a lot of repetition. For example, you say "sit". Their response is to stare at you. Do you smack them for not sitting? By no means! No, instead you repeat yourself "sit" and maybe give their hind end a bit of a push down. Then we try again without the push "sit". They stare and drool. After a couple more times of this, they sit. Now they still may not have put you saying "sit" and "sitting" together, but they did sit, so you give them a treat and maybe tell them what a good dog they are. Eventually, as you reward their sitting and do not reward their not sitting, they figure it out - if they sit down when you say "sit", it's treat time. Yay! They are listening and obeying - good dog!

I think that we who are saved by the grace of God can relate.

We get saved. And while we did respond to His voice drawing us initially, at first, we really cannot recognize His voice out of the rest of the clutter. And there is lots of clutter. Everything from own voice, to the voice of friends or peers, to the voice of the enemy, to the voice of the world and its' lurings, and so on and so on. It is a big list so do not kick yourself too hard if you have trouble picking Him out at first (think of trying to train a puppy in a pre-school class).

So what can we do?

Well, like our puppy, we spend time with Him. Whether that be reading, praying, worshiping or just sitting or , well, anything else really. God does not want you to just spend 45 minutes with Him on Sunday morning. Nor does He want you to think you can only spend time with Him speaking all 'old school' biblical talk (thou, thee, shalt, etc). He is with you here and now, even as you read He is there, just as He is here with me. He knows how I talk, act, think, etc so me pretending shows pretty clearly. So just be honest with Him. I know a fair number of people who chat with God as they drive.

So step one is just to spend time with Him. Now remember though, conversations are "two way", so stop doing all the talking once in a while and just "listen". Eventually, you will find yourself being able to hear His responses - being able to pick His voice out of all the other noise. Is that the end of it? Nope.

Now that you are hearing His voice, now comes the training. Do not worry, it is a lot like our puppy story. If He tells you something (like, bring God into a conversation with someone), He is not going to nail you with a lightning bolt if you do not do it. Our God is not only an awesome God but He is also a God of second (and third, fourth, etc) chances. So He does not punish you for not listening but He also does not reward you either.

Now you may get another chance in the exact same situation or it may be something similar or maybe even something altogether different, but you will be hearing from Him again. Now you may just stare and drool a few times but eventually you will respond correctly to what He says. Do not expect a doggie treat but you can expect a blessing of some form and frequently, confirmation that you have done what God has asked of you (that is a pretty huge blessing right there).

All done now? Not hardly. You know as well as I do that just because you got it right once does not mean it will happen right of the get go the next time - or at least you should know that anyways. For me, I would like to think that I get it within the first three times He says something. Now that is hearing Him. I cannot say I always respond how He wants me to even if I do hear Him clearly. But I am getting better. The more time I get with Him, the more I listen, the more willing I am to actually listen and the more I respond. And I have to be honest here, I can be pretty deaf by times - pretty sure God has had to use a megaphone to get through to me more than once.

So if you find yourself not hearing God's voice much as of late, make a point of spending some good old fashioned quality time with Him and just listen. There is a lot of noise to filter through and He knows it too. So do not think that He is going to "smite" you after you miss it 5 times, or 50 times, or even 50,000 times. The same goes for responding to that voice. He is patient, even if we are not - thank God for that!

Psalm 37:7~"Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for Him"

Nothing More Than Feelings

From time to time, many Christians - self included here - seem to get a bit confused. While there are oodles of things to get confused about, the thing that comes to mind at the moment revolves around feelings.

Let me get to something right off the get go here - feelings are not sin. Now that tidbit may either make you nod and agree or stare at the screen like I am some kind of nut. But it is true, regardless of your reaction to that statement.

Now I know (and have known) people who think that, because you are saved, you have to walk around feeling happy all the time. While that does sound lovely, it is hardly realistic. For instance, what if a close family member has passed away suddenly? Are you to feel happy and bubbly during that time of great sorrow? Not bloody likely. And what if you were to go on a missions trip to some place that is in ruins (Haiti currently, for example)? Would you be feeling oh so happy with a big ol' grin on your face when you are surrounded by despair most devastating? Let me ask you this - do you think God smiles when He sees it?

Feelings have little, if anything to do with who we are spiritually speaking. And as I said before, they are not, of themselves, sin or sinful. Now they may be able to add a bit extra to temptation and lead you into sin, but they themselves are not.

Many who know the bible to any extent are familiar with David and they also know that God loved his heart, in spite of his actions. He was totally, openly dependent upon God's grace and mercy. That said, was he happy go lucky all the time? Not a chance! A quick example from Psalm 55 that I can personally relate to - verses 12-14: "If an enemy were insulting me, I could endure it; if a foe were raising himself against me, I could hide from him. But it is you, a man like myself, my companion, my close friend, with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship as we walked with the throng at the house of God." Now, I do not know about you, but that really does not sound like David is feeling overly 'chipper' at the moment. Since he is feeling hurt, betrayed, and yes, most likely mad, is he sinning? Short answer - no.

While there are numerous examples in the New Testament (lots with the pharisees), how about this one from Matthew 16:4 "A wicked and adulterous generation looks for a miraculous sign, but none will be given it except the sign of Jonah". Again in Luke 11:29 "..Jesus said, this is a wicked generation...". Now then, I do not think Jesus had a big happy grin on His face when He was saying those things. I also do not think He was feeling overly happy at that moment in time either. Matter of fact, He sounds like He might have been at least a bit ticked off. In Mark 11, we read where Jesus cleared out the temple. I strongly suspect He was not feeling blissful when He used the words "you have made it a den of robbers". John 11: 35 "Jesus wept." Pretty much self explanatory there.

Now then, Jesus was without sin, was He not.

Jesus obviously had a full range of feelings and emotions while on earth - happy, sad, hurt, mad, etc.

That said, how can anyone think that 1) Feelings are sinful and 2) that we are supposed to wander around this life happy and glowing all the time? Jesus didn't. How the heck do we think we can?

The example above from Psalm 55 is from David and is regarding Saul, who was pursuing him for no real reason as David had done nothing but good to and for him. Now David was not only a great king, but he was also a warrior. At one point, Saul is alone in a cave that David is in. David sneaks up and cuts off a part of his robe. Now then, all considered, do you think that it may have crossed his mind that he could end it all right now by driving his blade straight through Saul? Do you think that he felt happy as he sneaked up on him, or would it make more sense that he felt all the hurt, betrayal and anger seething through him with each step? Probably. The thing is though, did he act upon those feelings and slay Saul? No, he did not give in to them (reading beforehand, the initial idea was to kill Saul not just cut off a chunk of his robe)

More than once we read about God's anger with the rebellious nature of humanity. More than once we see where Jesus was less than pleased. Did He give in and wipe out the human race? Let's be honest, we deserve it after all. No. Obviously He did not act on those feelings.

There is our goal. To not act upon those feelings.

If you have had a horrid day and someone cuts you off in rush hour traffic, is it sinful for you to be ticked off about it? No. Is it sinful for you to try and ram them for doing it? Yes.

If you feel someone has betrayed you, is feeling hurt and betrayed sinful or unchristian? Nope. Is seeking to hurt them because they hurt you sinful? Yes it is.

Feelings by themselves, are not sinful. Feelings, by themselves, are not unchristian.

Far too many people set themselves up for a big fall because they, for some reason or another, believe that "feeling" is not Christian. They tell themselves that they should not feel hurt when someone betrays them. That they should not feel mad about something that is done to them. That they should not feel ... well, you can fill that in on your own, no doubt.

Feelings are normal. They are not sin. Having them does not make you less of a Christian or, somehow, substandard in the kingdom of God.

Someone does something less than nice to you and you feel hurt and mad about it. Congratulations, you're human!

It is our responses to those feelings that can get us in trouble and cause us to sin.

How does Jesus say we are to respond when someone tries to take something from us that they have no right to take? Let them. What about when we feel used by someone - are we to seek revenge or try and give them what they deserve? No, no we are not. We can feel hurt, mad, sad, betrayed, etc etc etc. What we are not supposed to do is act upon those feelings - to give in to the temptation to seek our own retribution.

If we try and lie to ourselves (and to God) and say we do not feel certain emotions - ever - then really, we are setting ourselves up for a pretty big fall when we get overwhelmed by them at some point. God knows you have feelings. He does too after all and He made us. Do not try and lie to yourself about having them. And definitely do not try and lie to God about them. Be honest with Him, and yourself.

Surely, we could go on and on about feelings and how they relate to truth, sin, and life in general as well as in the Christian walk, but for the moment, this bit will suffice. I would like to add, however, that we are talking about feelings as in emotional responses (mad, sad, happy, hurt, etc) as opposed to "urges" (like lust, for example).

Free Will

I know that some have an issue with something. That is, sovereign will of God vs. free will. Now to explain those terms for anyone who is not overly familiar with them.

The sovereign will of God refers to the fact that God has everything planned out. That everything has been preset as it were. He has plan A, period. There is no plan B. There is no subsection 172-F to handle what you did or did not do last week (and really, isn't it pretty arrogant to think that we, as mere human beings, can change God's plans?). Now there is a great freedom in that knowledge for those who choose to follow Him. Since He already has things preplanned and knows what is going to happen in our lives before we even do, there is no failing Him. Failing Him would mean that He had false expectations of what we could or could not do. Like in school for instance: if you had a physics exam and your teacher expected you to be capable of getting at least 60% and you instead, got 20%. In that instance, you have failed because more was expected of you than you were capable of giving. But in matters of one's walk with God, that false expectation does not exist. He knows when He asks you do something whether or not you will do it or not so you cannot fail. It is we, as people, who see things as failings.

Okay, so God has it all laid out for us. What about free will? That is, the fact that I can choose to go left or right, go or stay, start or stop, etc. If God has everything planned out, with no alternative plan of action required, how does free will factor into that? Almost seems contradictory, but it isn't.

There are two things to take into account:

1)God knows our hearts far better than we do. Things that we do not even realize are there, whether good or bad, He already knows all about all of it. He knows, what we will do in any given situation on any given day far more so than we do. If it were not the case, then whether believer or not, no one would ever have a regret about something they felt they should have done or not done.

2) Time. Time is for us. Frankly, we cannot, with our own limited understanding, understand things without it. For example, try to actually fathom eternal. Think as far in the future as you can, then think further ahead, and again, again. Now at the same time, think back as far as you can, and again, and again, etc. Do not forget to think about right here right now in this moment in time at the same exact time. Eternal is hard to fathom. So we have time. God is eternal. He does not need time, we do. (Although God's plan does appear to be event driven - when this happens then this will occur, etc).

Now something with time. We live time going forward. We cannot go backwards, only forwards. But is that how God has written out history? Did He start out writing it "In the beginning" and just playing it by ear from there? No. God is beyond time remember. We may live history forward, but He has written it in reverse. Writing the end result first then working back to the beginning He wanted.

Now think about that for a moment. If you were to write a novel and there was a place where you knew you wanted it to end at, would it not be easier to write backwards? You could have your characters make and choose decisions that would result in completely unexpected directions but that would all tie in together to reach the pre-written end of the book.

Writing forward would mean you would have to try and desperately meld things together in some sensible way to hopefully reach your goal without losing direction in the mix.

This brings us to free will within the sovereign plan of God Almighty.

Let us say that you go for a walk one day, and happen across the scene of a house fire. And let us also say that there is, within this house, a person trapped within. What do you do?

Most of us would like to say we would throw caution to the wind, run inside, and rescue the person or die trying. But the truth is, many would not run inside, would they.

Now let us say that in God's plan, He needs you to run in and rescue that person. But it is your choice right? But, as mentioned previously, He knows you better than you do. So what does He do?

God knows what circumstances and events would have to take place in your daily life to lead you to a place where you would, in fact, forget all fear and rescue that trapped person. And since He did not write your place in history front to back, but rather, back to front, He can easily put those things in place where you would use your own free will to choose to lead you in the direction needed for you to be in that selfless place He needs you to be in. Keep in mind, He knows what you will do with 100% accuracy in any, and all, situations in your life. While most of us would like to think we know with that same accuracy, in truth, at best we are probably around 50 or 60% for the most part.

So take a few minutes and digest all that. It may take a minute or two but when you get your mind around it, it is pretty easy to see how God uses our free will as part of His sovereign will. We do choose, but He knows what our choices will be every single time, without fail, so it easy for Him to place events in such a way as have us be where, and who, He wants us to be perfectly within His own perfect plan.

There you go, we do have free will but God is (thankfully) completely and totally in control - always.

Jeremiah 10:23 "..I know that people’s lives are not their own; it is not for them to direct their steps."