Son Shine

First off, I am (obviously) still alive on this end. Although perhaps I should add a barely to that statement. I try to not only share things I have learned in here, but also to share my life and its' struggles and victories as well. This is one of those times.

In the movie "The Perfect Storm", a number of storms converge at a single time and place with devastating effects. Recently, Japan saw a number of major events unfold in a very short amount of time, again, with devastating effects. Three weeks ago, a number of "storms" converged at a single point in time and place - or I should say person - me.

Since all events do not only involve myself, I will not go into any major details. I will say however, that any single one would be hard to deal with. But all of them together, well let's just say that things have not been pleasant. To be honest, I almost feel like Job in the bible. So much going wrong in a very short frame of time. I also feel like much around me has been saying to me "Curse God and die!", much like Job's wife did to him. But I can't. I just can't.

Through all of this, I know that my God has been with me. Among other things is the almost complete lack of any feeling of despair. Actually, for most of the time, there has been no feelings of that like at all. I do say most though due to more recent events.

A bit of old history to share:

Once upon a time, I got married and it did not last very long at all. As it ended, I went into full self destruction mode. For those unfamiliar with the term, it means I did not want to live any longer. Before anything bad happened, I found myself admitted into the local hospital for a very short time, but it was enough to clear my head a little bit. A short time later however, that changed.

We were living seperately. I found myself overwhelmed by feelings so dark and empty that I do not know the words to describe them. Now I want to note something here. While I was saved at this point in time, I knew about God. I knew about power and authority, but I did not actually "know" Him.

I was staying with a friend, but they were gone for the night. I turned on some music. Very specific music though. The songs were all about dark feelings and, for me anyways, conveyed a very dark message. I went into a room and closed the door behind me and stared at the razor blade on the table. And I lost it. I was so hurt, so mad and felt like my life was over. I sobbed and cried and screamed to, and at, God. I told Him I could not do it. I begged Him to forgive me for giving up. And I drew the razor down my wrist.

Somewhat obviously, I did not die. The reason is somewhat interesting however. See, as I shook and sobbed, I watched myself bleed. Then I watched that cut close. Not clot up. Close. No mark kind of closed, even though there was blood. If you thought I was crying before, I went to a whole new level after that.

Now for the why of the history lesson:

After three weeks of trials, I lost it. Not proud of that fact, but I did.

Again, staying with friends. I went into the room and closed the door. I cued up those very same songs I had cued up those years ago. My intentions were not good. But there is a difference, you see. While I knew "about" God before, I now "know" Him. So as I sit and listen to those darkly themed messages, the tears come. I am so hurt. So mad. Just so everything I do not want to be. I feel devastated and physically alone. And I try to be mad at those involved. To be mad at those who stick their noses in. Even to be mad at me.

Then the truth of the matter comes out. It is God I am mad at. I do not understand why these things have all come at once. Or why any of them should have come at all. I am in pain and a lot of it. But I still cannot "curse God and die". Even in all of this, I still do love Him. I love Him with all of my heart, mind and soul and I am absolutely furious at Him. So now we find another new level of crying as I lay face down on the floor, shaking and sobbing...and praising God. Seriously.

I change my dismal tunes and cue up a song called "Revelation Song" and I praise Him with all that I have to offer - tears and all. I know He is in control. I know that He has not allowed these things in my life to destroy me - that there is a purpose and it is a good one. But, like Job, I do not understand the "why". But I also know that even if He told me, I still would probably not understand the "why" - at least not from where I am right now. Perhaps I may in hindsight be able to look back and see at least a glimmer of the why. Perhaps not.

So as I sit here writing this out the day after my little break down, the storms are still raging strong and I still cannot see an end in sight. But there are no feelings of despair. I am not alone in this. Not by a long shot. While I may not like the storm, I do know that there is a reason for it. And there is something else I know as well. All storms eventually come to an end and the Son shines bright through the clouds.

Yours in Christ alone,

Troy