Why The "Panicking Christian"?

Like most Christians, I occasionally find myself in a borderline, all out panic about something which I already knew, but seem to have forgotten or that I only knew in my head, as opposed to my heart. And mercifully, God decides to show me what is really going on or what it is that I needed to know, before I completely lose my mind.

So the writing within is just that. It is that which God has shown and taught me while I was typically in one of those times in my life. Since the way in which He has chosen to reveal things to me tend to be fairly easy to follow and understand, I am sharing them via this format. That said, I take no glory for any of this. It is God whom has given me the ability to write, and it is He who has given me the content to write as well and He who saved me by His glorious grace in the first place.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Son Shine

First off, I am (obviously) still alive on this end. Although perhaps I should add a barely to that statement. I try to not only share things I have learned in here, but also to share my life and its' struggles and victories as well. This is one of those times.

In the movie "The Perfect Storm", a number of storms converge at a single time and place with devastating effects. Recently, Japan saw a number of major events unfold in a very short amount of time, again, with devastating effects. Three weeks ago, a number of "storms" converged at a single point in time and place - or I should say person - me.

Since all events do not only involve myself, I will not go into any major details. I will say however, that any single one would be hard to deal with. But all of them together, well let's just say that things have not been pleasant. To be honest, I almost feel like Job in the bible. So much going wrong in a very short frame of time. I also feel like much around me has been saying to me "Curse God and die!", much like Job's wife did to him. But I can't. I just can't.

Through all of this, I know that my God has been with me. Among other things is the almost complete lack of any feeling of despair. Actually, for most of the time, there has been no feelings of that like at all. I do say most though due to more recent events.

A bit of old history to share:

Once upon a time, I got married and it did not last very long at all. As it ended, I went into full self destruction mode. For those unfamiliar with the term, it means I did not want to live any longer. Before anything bad happened, I found myself admitted into the local hospital for a very short time, but it was enough to clear my head a little bit. A short time later however, that changed.

We were living seperately. I found myself overwhelmed by feelings so dark and empty that I do not know the words to describe them. Now I want to note something here. While I was saved at this point in time, I knew about God. I knew about power and authority, but I did not actually "know" Him.

I was staying with a friend, but they were gone for the night. I turned on some music. Very specific music though. The songs were all about dark feelings and, for me anyways, conveyed a very dark message. I went into a room and closed the door behind me and stared at the razor blade on the table. And I lost it. I was so hurt, so mad and felt like my life was over. I sobbed and cried and screamed to, and at, God. I told Him I could not do it. I begged Him to forgive me for giving up. And I drew the razor down my wrist.

Somewhat obviously, I did not die. The reason is somewhat interesting however. See, as I shook and sobbed, I watched myself bleed. Then I watched that cut close. Not clot up. Close. No mark kind of closed, even though there was blood. If you thought I was crying before, I went to a whole new level after that.

Now for the why of the history lesson:

After three weeks of trials, I lost it. Not proud of that fact, but I did.

Again, staying with friends. I went into the room and closed the door. I cued up those very same songs I had cued up those years ago. My intentions were not good. But there is a difference, you see. While I knew "about" God before, I now "know" Him. So as I sit and listen to those darkly themed messages, the tears come. I am so hurt. So mad. Just so everything I do not want to be. I feel devastated and physically alone. And I try to be mad at those involved. To be mad at those who stick their noses in. Even to be mad at me.

Then the truth of the matter comes out. It is God I am mad at. I do not understand why these things have all come at once. Or why any of them should have come at all. I am in pain and a lot of it. But I still cannot "curse God and die". Even in all of this, I still do love Him. I love Him with all of my heart, mind and soul and I am absolutely furious at Him. So now we find another new level of crying as I lay face down on the floor, shaking and sobbing...and praising God. Seriously.

I change my dismal tunes and cue up a song called "Revelation Song" and I praise Him with all that I have to offer - tears and all. I know He is in control. I know that He has not allowed these things in my life to destroy me - that there is a purpose and it is a good one. But, like Job, I do not understand the "why". But I also know that even if He told me, I still would probably not understand the "why" - at least not from where I am right now. Perhaps I may in hindsight be able to look back and see at least a glimmer of the why. Perhaps not.

So as I sit here writing this out the day after my little break down, the storms are still raging strong and I still cannot see an end in sight. But there are no feelings of despair. I am not alone in this. Not by a long shot. While I may not like the storm, I do know that there is a reason for it. And there is something else I know as well. All storms eventually come to an end and the Son shines bright through the clouds.

Yours in Christ alone,

Troy

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Ears to Hear

“Whoever has ears to hear, let them hear.” ~ Jesus Christ

Ever own a dog? Specifically, a puppy?

If you have, you know that they require training. You will also know that the big thing with training them is that they listen to you. Hard to train a puppy that will not listen to the sound of your voice.

The first obvious thing is that they listen to "you" as opposed to every other voice and noise around them. That comes with spending time with them. You spend time together and eventually, they know your voice and can pick it out pretty quickly.

Now that they know who they are supposed to be listening to, now comes the training portion.

Training is a lot of repetition. For example, you say "sit". Their response is to stare at you. Do you smack them for not sitting? By no means! No, instead you repeat yourself "sit" and maybe give their hind end a bit of a push down. Then we try again without the push "sit". They stare and drool. After a couple more times of this, they sit. Now they still may not have put you saying "sit" and "sitting" together, but they did sit, so you give them a treat and maybe tell them what a good dog they are. Eventually, as you reward their sitting and do not reward their not sitting, they figure it out - if they sit down when you say "sit", it's treat time. Yay! They are listening and obeying - good dog!

I think that we who are saved by the grace of God can relate.

We get saved. And while we did respond to His voice drawing us initially, at first, we really cannot recognize His voice out of the rest of the clutter. And there is lots of clutter. Everything from own voice, to the voice of friends or peers, to the voice of the enemy, to the voice of the world and its' lurings, and so on and so on. It is a big list so do not kick yourself too hard if you have trouble picking Him out at first (think of trying to train a puppy in a pre-school class).

So what can we do?

Well, like our puppy, we spend time with Him. Whether that be reading, praying, worshiping or just sitting or , well, anything else really. God does not want you to just spend 45 minutes with Him on Sunday morning. Nor does He want you to think you can only spend time with Him speaking all 'old school' biblical talk (thou, thee, shalt, etc). He is with you here and now, even as you read He is there, just as He is here with me. He knows how I talk, act, think, etc so me pretending shows pretty clearly. So just be honest with Him. I know a fair number of people who chat with God as they drive.

So step one is just to spend time with Him. Now remember though, conversations are "two way", so stop doing all the talking once in a while and just "listen". Eventually, you will find yourself being able to hear His responses - being able to pick His voice out of all the other noise. Is that the end of it? Nope.

Now that you are hearing His voice, now comes the training. Do not worry, it is a lot like our puppy story. If He tells you something (like, bring God into a conversation with someone), He is not going to nail you with a lightning bolt if you do not do it. Our God is not only an awesome God but He is also a God of second (and third, fourth, etc) chances. So He does not punish you for not listening but He also does not reward you either.

Now you may get another chance in the exact same situation or it may be something similar or maybe even something altogether different, but you will be hearing from Him again. Now you may just stare and drool a few times but eventually you will respond correctly to what He says. Do not expect a doggie treat but you can expect a blessing of some form and frequently, confirmation that you have done what God has asked of you (that is a pretty huge blessing right there).

All done now? Not hardly. You know as well as I do that just because you got it right once does not mean it will happen right of the get go the next time - or at least you should know that anyways. For me, I would like to think that I get it within the first three times He says something. Now that is hearing Him. I cannot say I always respond how He wants me to even if I do hear Him clearly. But I am getting better. The more time I get with Him, the more I listen, the more willing I am to actually listen and the more I respond. And I have to be honest here, I can be pretty deaf by times - pretty sure God has had to use a megaphone to get through to me more than once.

So if you find yourself not hearing God's voice much as of late, make a point of spending some good old fashioned quality time with Him and just listen. There is a lot of noise to filter through and He knows it too. So do not think that He is going to "smite" you after you miss it 5 times, or 50 times, or even 50,000 times. The same goes for responding to that voice. He is patient, even if we are not - thank God for that!

Psalm 37:7~"Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for Him"