In the off chance there is anyone reading this who is thinking "wow, you seem to have it all together", allow me to to shatter that illusion for you. I most certainly do not. I am still a human being on this planet. One who has flaws and failings the same as everyone else does. Don't believe me? The following was something that was written the other night.
What a wretched man I am. I have read those words before but now, now I see them from the inside out. How did I get here. Here to this place full of self. I did not want to be here. I yearned to be elsewhere, in a place where I no longer showed. A place where I diminished so that He could be so much more. But here I sit. Here in the place I do not wish to be. And it hurts. I feel the tears straining against the inside of my eyes. The pressure within my chest. How did I get here to this place of self?
Please my God, save me from this self. I gladly would surrender everything of it, if only I truly knew how, since it appears my efforts previous were not enough. I need more. I need more and to have more I must become less. God help me to be less. Please, my God, help me. Please.
Yepper, sure sounds like someone who has it all together doesn't it? I will not go into details but the short form would be that I had a totally selfish reaction to something that I should have been overjoyed about - and it bothered me a great deal.
I know I am not alone. Not only in the sense that God is with me, but also in the sense that other people have had (and do have) such incidents. That is why I am sharing this. There is not much worse of a feeling than to think that you are alone in something or that you are the only one who feels a certain way. Frankly, we - as a whole - do not help matters much as a rule. We tend to keep our struggles to ourselves or worse yet, even deny to ourselves that we have them at all. In not being open about (at least some of) our struggles, we may actually be hurting others we know who may be going through a similar struggle of their own by making them believe there is something wrong with them for feeling a certain way. As I said, there is not much of a worse feeling than to think you are the only one. If we try to deny the struggle to ourselves - just hide it somewhere deep inside - we do ourselves no favors. By denying it, we are not allowing God to work it out in us - to help us grow. Worse yet, we may actually be allowing whatever it is grow stronger and deeper within us as it is hidden away within until it eventually reaches a much greater position of strength in our lives.
So do not believe the lie that it is a weakness to share or admit that you have feelings or struggles. Anyways, being weak is not such a bad thing really, after all - "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9. The weaker we are, the less of us who are present and capable (less of ourselves not less in number) the more that we not only need God but also, the more that He will be seen and glorified.
So I will continue to share. Not only in those things which He shows me as He leads and teaches me, but also in those things which God helps and leads me through as I continue to live this life that He has given me.
To God alone be the all the glory.
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